Bitterness

I remember talking to Jasmine about why she feels there's this barrier between me and other people. That conversations was ages ago...last Xmas I think. I remember telling her that I don't really like showing my true self towards them.Because as long as I don't dislike them at first sight, I long to give them anything they require to the best of my ability. Anything. Attention. Time. Effort. ok maybe not money but anything else I can give...and that people find that odd sometimes. Like they think too much about it. So I like to pretend that that part of me doesn't exist. A lil' like I'm kinda ashamed of it.

I think I was wrong. I am much more selfish than that. Good thing was. It only took a small little incident this afternoon...not even an incident..more like a nuance of an incident, to make me realise the reason of my reluctance.

I'm afraid to give because I know that not everyone has this gift of giving. I used to think that everyone, deep down inside, has this urge. But now, I doubt that. And they have clear limits as to how much one can give others. So, I don't think I'll receive the same extent from them. The same commitment. And it annoys me. As for those that I've given a lot, it hurts. This is where Jesus is the best person to look at coz no one can possibly give him anything that matches what he gave them. And still, he gives freely. Freely.

I remember Aunty H saying that she expects nothing, nothing in return from anyone whom she has helped. I used to think that it's just some distant thought that'll never apply to me. Well, yup, you guessed it, it applies now. Instead of some wise saying, it's like a mantra I can chant. To keep on reminding myself. I do not give to get anything in return. It is not easy to be so indifferent about not being acknowledged, or not being paid attention, or whatever a human being could require. Love, in general. Evidence of love.

What pushed me to slight tears (keyword: SLIGHT) today was the fact that even here...there are people who feel the same way. They would like to give all they can to others. Maybe that's why they study things like medicine etc. It's just the frustrating fact that it is so evident in people who are built the same way. And that I've been kidding myself all along that I'll get something in return if only I try hard enough because that will arouse the same desire to give in the other person. But no, I think not. They have other gifts with which to beautify the world. And I, I am to give. Purely, untainted by greed, or jealousy, or bitterness. I am to give freely and joyfully.


though, I stand firm on the money thing. Not money. Na-ah. I'm short on that.