Distress

I wonder I wonder I wonder... I really really wonder if I'm making the right choice. Yeah, but heck it's not the time to think about it. The competition is great. It'll be fun trying for it. Maybe..If I'm not in this withdrawn mood. Like I wanna ignore everything. Maybe maybe maybe maybe I'll just try for everything. Seriously, what else can I do but to let fate take me where it wants me to go. I don't wanna control it anymore. It really isn't within my capabilities to do so. Maybe if I did not decide to take over, they wouldn't force me into this dark little corner. The world seems so bleak from this angle. Maybe everything will NOT go as planned and I get to stay with nir. Maybe everything will go as I hoped they will turn out. Maybe. I have been surprised many times. For the better. I hope all will be well. The world envisioned by them for me is not the world I want. Don't tell me I don't know what I want either. I"LL KNOW IT WHEN I SEE IT!! Damn it!

Breakdown

I had a sorta emotional/mental breakdown on Saturday. Met Xj in Coffee Bean at two. Planned to do some Math and KI. Well, the place was kinda noisy. some weird fortune teller showing off outside, blasting through the mic. We were squashed in a corner with one puny table. Thank goodness the guy on the left left so we had two tables after a while. Coffee Bean itself was noisy, hustling bustling, people talking. And I was already in a very delicate mood. I couldn't control my mind. Emotions and thoughts undifferentiated were just racing through. Round and round. I couldn't settle them down. Couldn't reign them in. I became angry probably coz I was lost, lost in my own mind, my own backyard. I'd encounter this frenzy of nothing and everything, then my mind would stare at something and perform a highly predictable task like counting the number of lines. It was like my mind felt panic and needed to be reassured. I didn't do anything; I was just watcing it freak out and calm down by itslef. I really didn't know what the heck was happening. I feel as if my mind is slipping away from me. I never was good at this focus thing, but this time it's way way more than losing focus. I'm losing the mind. I feel senile. I just hope I can set everything together again. I'm beginning to feel the frustration well up again.Maybe I should lie down on the floor a while. Bring down the temperature. What path have I taken that brings me such horror? I feel like gooey mud water.