I was really disturbed by something last time before I slept. I really really really don't wanna spend six years in one company...I'd die before the contract ends.

At the doorstep

Every step I take brings me further away from my dreams. I have been hovering around the outskirts of art, peeping but not daring to go in. Always an outsider. Too shy or sth, or maybe I'm just afraid that I'd be rejected by it. Spat out. I don't have the courage to make mistakes.
I love art, the way I love sunsets and the sea. It always breaks my heart to see sth beautiful, or to hear sth beautiful. Especially to hear sth beautiful. Amelie OST. Waking up to chirping birds. A mellow tenor voice. Hayley Westenra in Wuthering Heights. When I close my eyes I see nothing but the music, like its dancing all around me...And when I see the heavy red curtains, the wooden surface and the glaring lights, the thick make up and the absurd clothes.
I don't fit in anymore.
Knowing that I could have reached a bit further, with a little more courage and a little more conviction… Look at the things I’m delving into now! IE…urgh…Monetary Authority. I like them, but in a more robotic way. And I'm going into Psychology. I really don't know what would have happened to me if I had been more blinded, less aware, less affected. It's not fair to say this but maybe if I had more support, a less doubtful family... I can't help hating anything that made me into this. And I can blame anything for it.
But then again. No.
I can't draw. But I can know what techniques achieve what effects. I can know what era has what style. I can know whether I like the art piece or not. I can learn visual symbolism, historical representations. I can know the art world. I won't act. But I suppose I can involve myself in a little past time...I can learn all the names of famous stage actors and all the plays. I can learn stage techniques and film making. I can learn them...
It is not entirely the same..but I suppose I can join in. Not entirely the same.