The Return

Alrighty. It's been quite long.
I think I've lost my thumbdrive again.
I've been spending the last two three days in the sound room. Oh yes, and ONLY the sound room. Never really ventured beyond it.
Took a couple of tickle tests, just to find out a few things..

The Brainteaser test seems to suggest that I should be doing stats. They say that I've a "knack for noticing when something 'isn't right'".
The Super IQ test says I'm a Creative Theorist, using both creativity and analysis, able to process information of nearly any kind.
The What's Your True Talent test, that says that I'm good at Abstract Reasoning i.e. I have a rich imagination and can mix two unrelated ideas together to come up with a new one. And I can apply knowledge readily outside of its usual context.
Ohoh.. and my Five-Minute Beauty Test says that I have a Creative Twist and that I don't have the time to copy others. My Does Your Makeup Match You test says my makeup style is Classic. The Naughty or Nice test says I'm Good as Gold, which is great coz I'm now CERTAIN my cover is not dashed.
Last year the Gender Identity test says I'm 13% masculine, now I'm 14%...Totally WOMAN...
My subconcious is supposed to be occupied with my health right now...hmmm....
oh well, think it helps me find out about myself?
I'm not sure. I'm supposed to be making a list of my strengths and weaknesses, now that I have two people eyeing me while cracking their knuckles.

Don't you just LOVE the pictures of the Seven Deadly Sins? They're always interesting...

The Pre-text

I need to type something first, before I actually get down to it.

So what do you know Cherly, about your project/ sorta thesis paper?

I now know that what I wanna explore is the possibility of using Divination as a study of the subconscious mind.

I now also know that Jung has already tried to make that link. So it's best that I read more into his works, and fast. Freud severed ties with Jung because Jung studied the occult, SO it's safe to say he is out. Ok I still need to know him, and 'sides, he's quite a good writer. Better than Jung anyhow.

Now what I need is a compendium of definitions of the subconscious, from psychologists, and neurologists. At least those within this field.

To take current research and studies into account..there seems to be a large number of them narrowing the mind down to Memory, Emotions, Information Processing etc.



What of Awareness and Lethe? Is it true then to say that nowadays we have given up on separation? That the mind IS the mind, one and whole.

Or that these two processes of the Mind (which includes the brain) are so severly interlinked that it is entirely pernicsious to separate them? Is it then futile to wonder about the differences?

In my opinion, there's a huge chunk of mind that humans ignore most of the time. It's just way too tiring to be in control semper. Then what, WHAT is this small chunk of mind tissue that we possess which we call Consciousness?!

Where are you

Struck

Now, to compose the music for Xj's video...
I have come up with this urge to use the Tango rhythm in at least one section of the music. The beat is strong, but I think if one removes the notes and replaces it with ones softer than the Tango's, the music might just, JUST turn out right. The amount of elusiveness with adequate substance. One shouldn't listen to Tango and drink coffee consecutively. Fatal to the nerves

Russian music has the added heaviness which is entirely desirable but I'm gonna need a piano to decide which scores to keep and which not to before returning it. The problem is! I don't have a piano now! oh well, I suppose the harmonica works as well.

OKIE..so what other cultures and rhythms can I adopt. I seem to have left out the Scandinavian region completely. Should, should... Hey, sigur ros is icelandic. hmm..

Virginia Woolf

Nothing much happened these few days, except a few unpleasantries exchanged.
I'm reading Mrs Dalloway by Virginia Woolf. The book's absolutely intriguing. Like the childhood memories of Peter Walsh of Clarissa talking to someone at dinner after they had a sorta quarrel. The way he looked up and saw them and said,' She's going to marry him.' Him, Dalloway, not Walsh. The absolute certainty! Never could have come clearer to me. Twas only recently that I heard about how intimidating this book was supposed to be. I didn't know it when I picked it up. I donh't find it hard. At all, actually. Well..I dunno. Books like 'Who's afraid of Virginia Woolf' exist for a reason, I guess. What a lark! What a plunge!
This Virginia Woolf is gorgeous. I think I've acquired something of her style after watching 'The Hours'. I could watch the movie again and again just to hear the music..

Countdown!

Tissue College

I'm back. Yeah.

I can't say that I'm depressed. I'm fine.

Other than the fact that my hopes were dashed. Maybe it's not. It's just much harder now, to get what I want. Julliard shall henceforth be called the Tissue college. Why is it called the Tissue College? coz I wrote the School's info on a piece of tissue and pinned the tissue on my board.

That's how desperate I was to get there.
Till I realised that they only held live auditions, no audition tapes or Internet conferencing. How am I supposed to get to US? I planned it out.
It's not that difficult to accumulate enough cash for a two-way air ticket. Nor is it that difficult to go there with nobody realising.

Then, I started looking around at famous Brit actors, comedians. Like John Cleese. He went to Cambridge, and started his career as a CCA. I can consider that.

Do you know how painful it is to have your hopes dashed and destroyed again and again? By your own family, sometimes.

I don't know. And things didn't really turn out well today.
Well, at least, things were more beautiful yesterday.

For the first time in such a long while, I sat down with nir and waited for the sunset. Just talking and cuddling and stuff. Decent enough to be seen in the school field, that is. Nir was, is, beautiful.

The reason why I love her so. Beautiful.

But today wasn't all that great. At all.

Sometimes, people just wish time would stay still. Yesterday would have been the best day. I miss it already.

Wow..

I must say..The Blocks are around the corner!
Three days, to be exact. Three more days. But I don't seem to care.
Bleargh, I AM not caring.
There will be consequences of course, but then again...it's only 10%.

Spent my mealtimes reading "Source Readings In Music History selected and annotated by Oliver Strunk--The Romantic Era". Spent most of my focus on it too. Not much left for Chem or stuff.
Got to know this guy--Jean Paul who does not write about music but most accurately captures the essence of romantic music. He talks about how Romanticism differs in the North and the South, of Europe that is. And he (and many other romanticists) claims that Romanticism came with Christianity. Many good descriptions in there, really good statements like "The one and only Mary ennobles every woman; hence, while a Venus can only be beautiful, a Madonna can be romantic."
There's another guy, Wackenroder, who eulogises a musician called Joseph Berglinger, one who was perhaps made to appreciate but perhaps not create music. Maybe a lil' like me, made to stand on the sidelines, no matter how in love we are with whatever it is. Knowing full well that if we join in, we'll mess it up...Worse...his father wanted him to be a doctor....Creepers,,,,what are the odds...
Then Hoffman, who is completely in love with Beethoven. He even received a letter from Beethoven (who was absolutely flattered, of course.. ) More of his to come...So much more to read.....Sighs...Very good writers these people..Though it's a mite odd to read lines like "How deeply thy magnificent compositions for the piano...how shallow and insignificant now all seems that is not thine" "With what joy I received thy seventieth work, the two glorious trios..." A lil' too much of the worship-style for comfort, but hey, the guy was ecstatic.


Back to work.

Musing

I wonder, with much despair. I believe much in this. I have nothing but my belief. You don't believe in it. And I wonder if I am here alone. A madman, alone.

It's all fantasy, no?

Distress

I wonder I wonder I wonder... I really really wonder if I'm making the right choice. Yeah, but heck it's not the time to think about it. The competition is great. It'll be fun trying for it. Maybe..If I'm not in this withdrawn mood. Like I wanna ignore everything. Maybe maybe maybe maybe I'll just try for everything. Seriously, what else can I do but to let fate take me where it wants me to go. I don't wanna control it anymore. It really isn't within my capabilities to do so. Maybe if I did not decide to take over, they wouldn't force me into this dark little corner. The world seems so bleak from this angle. Maybe everything will NOT go as planned and I get to stay with nir. Maybe everything will go as I hoped they will turn out. Maybe. I have been surprised many times. For the better. I hope all will be well. The world envisioned by them for me is not the world I want. Don't tell me I don't know what I want either. I"LL KNOW IT WHEN I SEE IT!! Damn it!

Breakdown

I had a sorta emotional/mental breakdown on Saturday. Met Xj in Coffee Bean at two. Planned to do some Math and KI. Well, the place was kinda noisy. some weird fortune teller showing off outside, blasting through the mic. We were squashed in a corner with one puny table. Thank goodness the guy on the left left so we had two tables after a while. Coffee Bean itself was noisy, hustling bustling, people talking. And I was already in a very delicate mood. I couldn't control my mind. Emotions and thoughts undifferentiated were just racing through. Round and round. I couldn't settle them down. Couldn't reign them in. I became angry probably coz I was lost, lost in my own mind, my own backyard. I'd encounter this frenzy of nothing and everything, then my mind would stare at something and perform a highly predictable task like counting the number of lines. It was like my mind felt panic and needed to be reassured. I didn't do anything; I was just watcing it freak out and calm down by itslef. I really didn't know what the heck was happening. I feel as if my mind is slipping away from me. I never was good at this focus thing, but this time it's way way more than losing focus. I'm losing the mind. I feel senile. I just hope I can set everything together again. I'm beginning to feel the frustration well up again.Maybe I should lie down on the floor a while. Bring down the temperature. What path have I taken that brings me such horror? I feel like gooey mud water.

Pre-post

Maybe this is the reason why I've decided to come back.
Everything from my previous two blogs have been lost. Completely lost. All my writings, my thoughts, my sentiments, my laments, my complains, my heartaches.
Maybe I should have printed everything out when I felt I should. This time. When I hit my 42nd post, I WILL print everything out!
I have no where else to go. No where else to vent my frustrations and vexations. My anger. My disappointments.
Nul is so tired nowadays. I should not load anymore rubbish on nir. No more. Leave nir in peace.
Like today. I came here instead.
'twill seem a lil' stupid if I desperately cling onto nir wherever nul goes. And of course, should I even bother nir with heartaches that stem from nir?
But I won't deny that I was very much affected by nir sudden disappearance. Maybe nul went straight to the art block, maybe nir handphone died or sth. Maybe nul was sent home sick.
I don't know.
Maybe this maybe that.
Can't I know? Don't I have a right to know?
That's the problem. I don't think I have.
Try as I may to pretend that I am an individual completely independent of nir, I can't.
Oh sure I can.
It's just so terminal and so depressing, so inconsistent, so truthless. And despite the many reassurances from nir that we will talk about it, I doubt we will. When be the appropriate time? Those times have passed. And more will come but who would be foolish enough to foresee reconciliation.
But I claim no more obligations from nir than a close friend. Oh that I may claim more. Not time. Not time.
Maybe just the right to know. To ask. To not be reprimanded for asking. To not be accused of possessiveness for knowing. To not resort to waiting two solid hours, craning my neck, checking my watch, acting like I'm completely normal, hoping.
I have no where else to go in these times of utter depression.