I lift it all up to
You, my Lord.
The discussions that I had with M last night was fruitful. To me,
at least. And maybe in helping him understand my thoughts. I know so very
little about Your works, and fail to discuss anything to complete satisfaction.
It is very frustrating.
The things we talked about. How do we see Your works in
the world, when the way we see it can easily stem from a logical fallacy? This
good thing has happened, therefore I rejoice because the Lord has done it. This
bad thing has happened, therefore I rejoice because the Lord has done it to
train me up. Anything can be from You. It is ultimately unfalsifiable. Why does
it make more sense to believe that You are present? My heart says you are, but
my mind cannot find proof. But that is what my mind needs to do. To find reason. To boldly start from no assumptions.
If God wasn’t there, would this still have happened? Would all this? I don’t think
we can ever establish or disprove that claim. And I blame it on the chaotic nature
of the systems in this world.
Perhaps, the discussion can be boiled down to
this: why do I believe in God. Why should I believe in this entity? What is my
reason? Because He called me when I was still a child. And my entire life has
been centred upon His will. He called, and His call was impossible to ignore.
He is the tug of my conscience, the searing pain in my soul when things were
not according to His will, the force behind decisions which I dread (like to
hang out with people and to go through with bible study), and the gritting of
my teeth when I close my eyes and throw myself into conflicts.
And this is
probably what we can ever hope for in terms of evangelism. The hope that He
will call, and that the one He calls will have a softened heart. Can we do
anything at all??? Perhaps that is why my heart detests hypocritical acts. It
detests inactivity when there should be activity. It also detests activity when
there should be inactivity. I can only move when He calls me to move.
Everything, even cooking in church. Even things that seem to be quite
appropriate and “holy”. We are mere vessels of salvation. Mere vessels.
But oh well, the hunt
continues. Why should I believe in God?
But I have no fear in questioning my
faith. If God is true, then He will be able to withstand scrutiny. He will not
let me go astray. It is probably even my
duty to figure out my faith, for blind faith is deadly. It is deadlier than no
faith.
