Everything from my previous two blogs have been lost. Completely lost. All my writings, my thoughts, my sentiments, my laments, my complains, my heartaches.
Maybe I should have printed everything out when I felt I should. This time. When I hit my 42nd post, I WILL print everything out!
I have no where else to go. No where else to vent my frustrations and vexations. My anger. My disappointments.
Nul is so tired nowadays. I should not load anymore rubbish on nir. No more. Leave nir in peace.
Like today. I came here instead.
'twill seem a lil' stupid if I desperately cling onto nir wherever nul goes. And of course, should I even bother nir with heartaches that stem from nir?
But I won't deny that I was very much affected by nir sudden disappearance. Maybe nul went straight to the art block, maybe nir handphone died or sth. Maybe nul was sent home sick.
I don't know.
Maybe this maybe that.
Can't I know? Don't I have a right to know?
That's the problem. I don't think I have.
Try as I may to pretend that I am an individual completely independent of nir, I can't.
Oh sure I can.
It's just so terminal and so depressing, so inconsistent, so truthless. And despite the many reassurances from nir that we will talk about it, I doubt we will. When be the appropriate time? Those times have passed. And more will come but who would be foolish enough to foresee reconciliation.
But I claim no more obligations from nir than a close friend. Oh that I may claim more. Not time. Not time.
Maybe just the right to know. To ask. To not be reprimanded for asking. To not be accused of possessiveness for knowing. To not resort to waiting two solid hours, craning my neck, checking my watch, acting like I'm completely normal, hoping.
I have no where else to go in these times of utter depression.
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